


for a lifetime

by dearlyuta



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Nahyuck, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-15 02:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17520563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearlyuta/pseuds/dearlyuta
Summary: The flicker of gazes away from each other. The frowns creasing at the corners of their mouths. The way their fingers no longer linger every time they brush against each other.(Renjun doesn't know when in the world did they started to fall apart. All he knows that it's painful. So, so painful.)





	for a lifetime

**Author's Note:**

> this was written around the same time i wrote say i do because i craved for angst so here you go! anyway, please excuse any mistakes that you might come across since i haven't proofread this yet. enjoy reading!

The sound of the wooden chopsticks hitting the ceramic bowl gently echoes within the stretched silence between them. Renjun gingerly keeps his eyes down, carefully listening to the hum of his heartbeat underneath his chest. It's a familiar melody to him already; the deafening silence resonating within the dining area as the clatter of dishes gently hit one another every now and then.

Renjun finds his eyes falling shut, a wave of sadness pulling at his heartstrings. Since when did this became a routine? Since when did the silence echo so loudly in this apartment?

Jeno sits right in front of him, a passive expression drawn on his features. He doesn't speak either; he's too silent with his lips pursued into a thin line. Jeno has always been a little more on the quieter side and Renjun knew that all too well. The first time they've met, Jeno was shy — cheeks coloring themselves in deep red as he hung his head low to hide the lingering smile on his lips. It was endearing, the way he blushed so easily around Renjun and how he couldn't stop himself from smiling so wide whenever the older boy was around. He was so bright, _so_ awfully bright that it took a moment for Renjun to realize that he's slowly loosening his grip on that flame.

Renjun could see it — the way Jeno seems a little too lifeless, a little too emotionless than his usual self. How he'll only pursue his lips into a thin line whenever Renjun reaches in every night to press a kiss right on the curve of his cheek. How he'll only stay silent whenever Renjun bids him goodbye in the morning, the echo of the older boy's _I love you_ drifting into the air before vanishing completely.

Renjun pretends that it doesn't hurt.

When he raises his gaze, parting his lips to finally say something, _anything_ to Jeno, the younger male suddenly drops his chopsticks in his nearly empty bowl of rice. He clears his throat and he lets himself catch Renjun's steady gaze at him before his lips stretch into a straight line, his expression void of any emotions.

"I'll leave first." Jeno quietly whispers and Renjun wants to cry. He feels the sob clawing at his throat and the hurt ignites itself in the depths of his chest. The burn is in his lungs, a painful scratch deep within him and he doesn't know how to soothe it down.

Why does his own boyfriend's voice sound so unfamiliar now when it used to be his lullaby every night?

"Okay." Renjun murmurs, voice too soft but Jeno didn't pay attention to it. He simply curls his fingers around the edge of his bowl before he stands up, footsteps barely inaudible against the polished floor. He stands in front of the sink and Renjun's eyes fall shut once again as he listens to the sound of the water running in the sink. His fingers still from holding the chopsticks, letting them clatter inside the mess of his own bowl after a moment.

The sound of Jeno's footstep resound once again, a little louder before it slowly fades away into nothingness as the click of the door echoes within the apartment. It's awfully quiet that Renjun can hear every heartbeat in his chest, every breath that his lungs are desperate to steal every second. He hears them too loudly that they're enough to drown out the thoughts that are screaming all at once at him — begging him to get himself out of this mess.

Renjun pretends that he doesn't hear anything.

He pretends that the ache in his chest is nothing. Absolutely nothing.

-

It hasn't always been like this.

If he's being truthful, Renjun thinks that they're meant to be. Maybe it's because they complete each other; they fit so well together that no one is stunned at the revelation that they both tipped over and fell deeply and madly in love with each other. Renjun has always admired the way Jeno's dark brown eyes light up like the stars that they love to gaze at every night. Since the moment they exchanged their first words to each other — Jeno with his cheeks flushed in embarrassment whilst Renjun stares at him with an amused smile curling itself on his lips — Renjun has always known.

He has always known that Jeno will be absolutely special to him.

They've always been so sure of each other, so sure of every little aspect of their relationship. Renjun knows that they aren't perfect and they've had their fair share of fights but they've never went through a day without one of them caving in and slipping into each other's warm embrace. It felt right to be with Jeno — ever since he said _yes_ to him that one starry night, he was so sure of him.

So, Renjun doesn't know why this is happening.

He doesn't know when this all happened. The little flickers of gazes pulling away from each other, the awkwardness straining in the usual comfortable and homey atmosphere between them. The way their fingers no longer linger whenever their hands brush against each other. The way everything only seems to drag into a habit — a kiss on the cheek, the murmur of _I love you._

As Renjun lays right beside Jeno, he listens to the sound of their heartbeats falling in sync. He stares right at Jeno's back, imagining himself pressing close and wrapping his arms from behind before he buries his face on his shoulder. He can imagine the way Jeno will shift his position, his hands gently clasping over Renjun's own before he gives them a reassuring squeeze that they're okay, that they don't have anything to worry about. But Jeno has long since fallen out of that habit and Renjun never asked him why in the world did they became like this.

Suddenly, Renjun isn't sure of anything anymore.

-

Renjun sits right in front of the table, eyeing the dishes set out. His fingers twitch just the slightest but he rests them against the table, blinking hastily at the bedroom door. The wall clock hanging right above the door is ticking close to fifteen minutes before eight in the morning and Renjun can feel the exhaustion running through his body again. He wants to fall back into the comfort of the bed, wrap himself up with the blankets but he stays still.

He wants to see Jeno before he leaves.

He gets his wish though — Jeno hurriedly rushes out of the door, hair styled up and a frown creasing at the corners of his lips. Due to the hurried movements of his body, Renjun knows that Jeno is running late once again. He has always known that the younger boy despises falling out of routine — he hates anything that's considered as change. He craves for the intimacy of consistency so Renjun has always made sure that they'll have a routine.

A routine of waking up earlier than Jeno to cook him breakfast. They tend to sit down and talk about their schedule for the day before Jeno rushes out of the door with a fleeting kiss pressed on Renjun's cheek, followed by a soft whisper of _I love you_ swirling in the homey atmosphere between them.

Renjun doesn't know how Jeno managed to break free from that sweet routine of theirs.

Jeno is busy strapping on his watch around his wrist, walking straight to the couch to retrieve his briefcase. Renjun stares at him with a forlorn expression, eyes already brimming with a copious amount of sadness and hesitation. He wants to reach out, ask Jeno to stay for a few minutes, indulge themselves in a sense of normalcy.

Renjun wants the normalcy once again. He _needs_ it so badly.

"Jeno?" Renjun forces his voice to come out steady, even as the mentioned male lifts his gaze once he clasps on his watch. There's a sense of weariness written on his expression — the tired lines running down his face, the emptiness lit in his dark orbs, his lips set into a straight line. This isn't the kind of normalcy that Renjun wants from them; it breaks his heart to even see Jeno like this.

"What?" It's short but the word sends a piercing heartache through his chest as Jeno stares at him impatiently. Renjun can feel his fingers twitch again and wills himself to stay calm, _don't cry please._ He can't deal with himself bursting into tears — he'll hate himself if that happens.

"Eat your breakfast first. It might—"

"I'm fine," Jeno cuts in smoothly, heaving a deep sigh as he runs his fingers through the brown strands of his hair. "I'll grab some coffee while I wait for the bus instead."

Renjun falls silent, the words _it might get cold_ stuck right at his throat. It's no use to say them out loud so he swallows them, tasting the bitterness of his words at the back of his throat. It's enough to make his stomach churn in the most uncomfortable way possible.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." Jeno's voice adapts into a clipped tone, cold and distant more than ever. The older boy blinks, clearly stunned at the reaction that he gouged right out from his boyfriend. Renjun wants to scream at Jeno, at himself, at the rest of the world because why can't anything fall back into place again? Why do they have to be like this — the sweetest lovers in the world slowly slip back through the boundaries of strangers living underneath the same roof?

But he keeps silent, as always. He doesn't know how he does this — he always loses his grip on his emotions all too often but lately, he has learned to tuck away his disappointment and bury it in the spaces of his rib cage. Ignore the way the ashes of his emotions burn right at his lungs, stealing his breath away without a second thought.

_It's not worth it._

"Okay, stay safe." Renjun murmurs as he tears his gaze away from Jeno, glancing down his own breakfast with teary eyes. He takes a deep breath before speaking again in a startlingly gentle tone, "I love you."

Complete silence echoes before Jeno quietly answers. "I'll be home late."

With that, he heads for the door without another flicker of his eyes at Renjun's direction, slipping right out. He leaves without a second word spilling from his lips. It takes a moment before Renjun realizes that he doesn't say _I love you too_ anymore. His eyes fall shut at the realization crushing his lungs, teeth catching onto his bottom lip to hold back the cries threatening to escape his mouth.

_It's not worth it._

-

The cold is still wrapped around his frame so tightly that Renjun can feel it burying itself within his chest. The air that leaves his lips every time he breathes comes out as a cold puff so Renjun tightens his sweater around his figure even more. His fingers are freezing so he hastily rubs his hands together in an effort to warm them up.

"Injun!" A familiar voice with a lilt of excitement catches his attention so easily. He lifts his gaze and he brightens up at the sight of Jaemin rushing down the snow covered sidewalk, the soles of his boots leaving a print behind with every step. He's holding two cups of hot chocolates in his hands and he's careful not to drop them, considering the secure grip he has around them. Renjun meets him halfway, his lips stretched into a genuine smile as Jaemin finally catches up to him, handing one of the beverages to him.

"Thanks, Nana." He finds his voice after a moment, the tone coming out scratchy and rough. Jaemin arches an inquisitive brow at him as Renjun curves his lips into an embarrassed grin, taking a quick sip from his hot chocolate before he settles right by the younger boy's side. Jaemin easily swings an arm around his shoulder, directing him to a nearby vinyl record store that's only a few steps away.

The air inside is warmer, more comfortable as Renjun lets himself loosen up as he steals a glance around. There's a cozy atmosphere surrounding the place — lights are strung up above, creating a sort of soft glow in every corner. Rows of vinyl records are set up at the walls and along the pathways, giving them enough space to weave through to let their fingers brush against the covers. Jaemin hovers near him as Renjun carefully searches through _Michael Jackson's_ vinyl records, brows furrowing in concentration.

"Hyuck will like this, right?" Renjun gently pulls one of the records out as Jaemin plucks it right out of his hand, turning the cover around to take a swift glance at it. Jaemin brightens up, an approving smile curled right on his lips as he gazes back at Renjun with his eyes crinkled up in happiness.

"He'll like this a lot," Jaemin echoes his words, hugging the object close to his chest using one of his arm. "Thanks for helping me pick this out. I'm just really nervous, you know? I don't want to disappoint him."

"Why would he be disappointed?" Renjun blinks rapidly, head tilting to the side with a frown curled on his lips. "You're his boyfriend, I'm sure he'll love anything that you'll pick out since you're always so thoughtful for your gifts."

Jaemin takes a second, as if contemplating his next words, before he cracks another smile, nodding his head, "You're right. Thank you, Injun."

Renjun doesn't respond; his lips only stretched into a straight line as he tries not to let any emotion burst right in his veins. Jaemin takes a tentative sip from his hot chocolate before his stare flickers over to Renjun, quietly assessing his gestures and the fast paced expression crossing his features. Renjun fidgets under his scrutinizing gaze, swallowing the lump that formed in his throat as Jaemin steps forward. There's a look of concern in his dark orbs and Renjun momentarily hates it — he doesn't want this. He doesn't _need_ this. He knows Jaemin will ask and right now, he won't be able to say that he's okay.

Renjun doesn't know when was the last time he answered that question honestly.

"What's wrong?"

Renjun is stunned, his lips part and suddenly, there's a certain heaviness in his chest. He was expecting for the usual question of _are you okay_ to leave the other male's lips but Jaemin must have known that he's nowhere near to being okay. At all.

"I—" Renjun's voice comes out broken and his fingers won't stop shaking at his sides. He tries to speak but the sob is digging right at his throat once again. The heaviness that's been weighing on his shoulders for months now comes crushing him, his rib cage crashing within his chest and breaking his heart all over again.

Jaemin appears alarmed, clearly not expecting his reaction as he takes a step forward. He's cautious not to do anything sudden as his expression eventually softens. The look on his face is enough for Renjun to hang his head low and lets the tears stream down his cheeks silently.

"No, I," He breathes out shakily and he feels the air getting stolen from his lungs. "I'm not. I'm not okay."

He stands there, nearly crushing the empty cup of hot chocolate in his hand as he tries to regain control on his breathing. He stays still when he feels Jaemin tentatively pulling him in his arms; the feeling of the vinyl record pressing against his back is evident as Renjun buries his face on his shoulder. It's comforting to be held like this but even then, Renjun can't dismiss the pain that's traveling through his veins as of the moment. His head is spinning from too many thoughts and he wants to completely shut down.

"Shh, it's fine. I'm here." Jaemin murmurs and Renjun feels a tug at his heartstrings. He remembers those words too well — he remembers Jeno saying them to him the first time he cried in his arms. He held Renjun as tightly as he could, murmuring the sweetest things in the world with such a soft, gentle voice that Renjun can feel himself get soothed down all too easily.

He misses Jeno.

God, he misses Jeno _so_ much.

"What—"

"Nana, I miss him." Renjun has never sounded so broken, so out of it before. He pulls away, blinking rapidly as if to clear his vision but he can't stop himself from breaking down.

"I miss Jeno so much. I don't know what to do."

Tears are streaming down the curves of his cheeks, his eyes filled with an insurmountable amount of sadness. Jaemin gazes at him silently, eyeing him before he pulls him a little closer, letting Renjun melt in his embrace. Jaemin honestly doesn't know why Renjun is speaking with such a disheartened tone because all he knows is that Renjun and Jeno are doing so well. The last he saw them together, they were smiling _so_ brightly and they were laughing together. He doesn't understand why Renjun would collapse in his arms like this, crying because he misses Jeno.

"What do you mean? You two are doing okay, right?"

Renjun whimpers, shaking his head. His eyes fall shut and he looks beyond defeated already, as if he gave up a long time ago.

"I feel like I'm losing him, Jaem." Renjun whispers, breaking away from Jaemin's warm embrace as he steps away, gaze withdrawn. Jaemin can still see the tears clinging to his lashes as he sniffles, hastily wiping them away with his sweater paws. Renjun has never been like this before — even when he cries, he still somehow manages to stand tall, as if he's awfully sure that he'll get right back up no matter what.

But right now, he doesn't look anywhere near that. His crestfallen expression tells Jaemin that he's been like this for a long stretch of time; he can only imagine how exactly long these feelings have been building up within him before he finally burst as of the moment.

Now, Jaemin understands everything — the little frowns drawn on Jeno and Renjun's lips when their gazes meet. The way Jeno would pull away too quickly, clearly uncomfortable when Renjun's fingers brush against his arm or his torso. As if he wants to be anywhere else but right beside Renjun. The flickers of sadness and pain colored in Renjun's dark orbs whenever Jeno does those things — the way he would force a smile to stretch on his lips so no one will wonder about the obvious space between them.

"Injun, I'm sorry." Jaemin drops his voice into a soft whisper and Renjun shakes his head, forcing the corners of his lips into a reassuring smile. He knows that he shouldn't put up a front anymore — Jaemin knows him all too well, anyway. He knows that Jaemin will easily pick apart the tears of his facade. But he can't bear with the thought of making Jaemin worry — he'll be okay. Jeno and him will be all right.

"It's fine," The words are difficult to say even if they were lying on the tip of his tongue. He shakes his head and hugs his arms around his sweater, sniffling once more before a broken smile surfaces on his face. "We'll be okay."

Renjun emits a laugh but it sounds forced. He tries not to let his fingers shake too much though it's wearying and fatiguing to keep up with this. "I'm sorry for bothering you with this."

"You're never a bother to me, Injun." Jaemin hesitates for a moment before he curls his lips into a sweet smile right at the older boy. "I'll be here for you if you ever need anyone."

"Okay," Renjun murmurs, blinking once more before a genuine smile finally curves on his mouth. He gestures to the vinyl record that Jaemin is still holding on before he points at the cashier, eyes slowly lighting up.

"Let's go and pay for that."

-

_1:58 A.M._

Renjun curls up right on the bed, listening quietly to the slow pattern of his heartbeat. The sadness is drowning in his body and his head is spinning, the thoughts swirling hastily in his mind as they grow more and more complicated. Renjun knows that Jeno is coming home late tonight but as he stares at the empty side of the bed, his throat closes up uncomfortably.

He reaches out, grasping at the sheets before he tightens the comforter around his lithe body. It's too cold, too spacious without Jeno around. He doesn't want to fall asleep without feeling the warmth radiating off from Jeno's body — even if they no longer hold each other in their sleep every night.

The sound of the footsteps softly padding against the floor tears Renjun's attention away from the lonely space. He debates himself whether he should pretend to fall asleep or stay awake but as the door pushes open, he finds himself sitting up with his back laying against the headboard. A stream of glowing light slips through the crack as Jeno steps in, completely worn out just from the sight of his suit crumpled and his messy hair falling over his eyes. His fingers shift through the strands, moving them away before he finally shuts the door behind him with a relieved sigh.

Even as Renjun stays still in his spot in the dark room, Jeno still ends up getting bewildered when his line of sight falls on the older male. He stands by the door, dropping his suitcase by his feet as he squints through the dark.

He walks over to the lamp, flicking it on as he allows the light to fill the room before he speaks. "Why are you still awake?"

"It's late." Renjun replies curtly and Jeno visibly winces at his tone before he schools his expression into a completely empty one. Void of any emotion at all.

"I told you that I'll be home late."

"But you never came home at a time like this before." Renjun reasons out, his voice weak and wavering. He balls his hands into fists, the nails digging onto his palm and leaving crescent-like marks behind. Jeno stays unspeaking as he sits by the side of the bed, his side profile visible to Renjun's line of vision. After a second, he elicits a deep sigh with his shoulders dropping.

"I was out with some clients."

Renjun scoffs, the irritation that he's been trying to bury for so long comes exploding through his chest. "Really? You think I'll believe that?"

Jeno halts from unraveling his tie, letting it hang loosely underneath his collar as he turns to Renjun. A scowl is already starting to twist on his lips as his eyes narrow into an icy glare. Renjun meets his gaze with his mouth set into a firm line instead, hands shaking just the slightest to control his anger.

"What are you implying?" Jeno's voice draws out as a tone of exhaustion and Renjun can feel the emotions piling up deep within him. He's trying his best not to let them get to him, to let them burn up instead so he can have a peaceful night with Jeno but they refuse to back down.

"You know what I'm talking about." Renjun shakily says, teary eyes staring right at the other male. There's a flicker of confusion coloring itself in Jeno's dark orbs before his expression contorts into a look of complete disbelief.

"Do you," He pauses, forcing his wavering voice to stay steady and even as he clenches his hands into fists, "Think that I'm cheating on you?"

"Those are your words, not mine." The bitterness is hidden underneath in Renjun's voice and Jeno, for a brief moment, looks furious and upset at the same time before the emotions flicker away. Emptiness reigns over his features as he hangs his head low, avoiding Renjun's stare burning on his back.

"I'm not cheating on you."

"Then why are you always like this to me?" Renjun is breaking down again, his voice shaking as he begs himself not to cry all over again. It's too exhausting to cry over everything again. "Why don't you want to stay here with me?"

"Because it's fucking depressing in here!" Jeno raises his voice, the anger and frustration lacing his words as he lifts his gaze from the floor, directing it to Renjun.

"Every time I wake up, it feels suffocating to stay in this apartment so I try to leave early. When I come back, it's the same emptiness all over again. It's too quiet and—" He breaks off, shoulders shaking as he lowers his head, sobbing. He tries his best to continue speaking, the cries hidden underneath the layers of his voice. "I'm sorry but I don't know if I can come back to us like this over and over again."

The silence stretches between them for so long that it echoes in every corner of their apartment. Jeno is sobbing hard into his hands, the emotions that he's been bottling up for so long are spilling right now. Renjun sits still, too stunned to feel the wreckage that's exploding in his chest. His chest hurts _so_ bad — he can feel every ache bursting in his veins and he doesn't know how in the world he can still hold himself up like this.

"Are you," Renjun pauses, closing his eyes so he doesn't have to see the tears sliding down the curves of Jeno's cheeks. He can't bear to look at him right now. "Are you tired of us, Jeno?"

The silence resonates off the walls as Jeno slowly quiets down, the sobs turning into whimpers instead. He keeps his stare locked on the ground, shoulders hunched with his teeth catching onto his bottom lip to hold himself back from breaking down again.

Complete silence yet again before he speaks. "I don't know."

It's the only answer that Renjun receives from him so he falls silent instead, slipping away and turning his back on his boyfriend. He stares at the bleak wall in front of him as Jeno finally calms down right behind him, the light that was flooding the room descends back to the darkness. Renjun can feel the gentle dip of the mattress and his eyes fall shut as he feels the warmth radiating off from the other boy.

He falls right into a senseless dream, wordlessly wishing that Jeno will stay.

-

Renjun takes one last glance at the wall clock, eyeing the way the hands stick dangerously close to seven thirty in the morning. He heaves a deep sigh, running his slender fingers through his strands before he lets the strap of his bag sling over his shoulder.

The table is spotless with the exception of a bowl of rice sitting at the other end, with side dishes surrounding it. He hesitates, wondering if he should take a second and stay, wait for him to step out. He feels himself stiffen up when Jeno slips out of the doorway, still dressed in a loose white shirt and sweatpants as his hair hangs over his forehead. Lines of fatigue paint themselves into his expression as he lifts his gaze from the floor, mouth set into a grim line.

Their gazes meet and Renjun can feel the slightest tug right at his heartstrings. He feels the urge to slip right back into his arms and lets the tears stream down his cheeks.

But he stands still, his visage is void of any emotion as he clears his throat. "I have to head over to the art gallery today."

Jeno pursues his lips into a straight line, the corners almost curling downwards to form a frown before he emits a sigh. "Okay."

"Okay."

Renjun lingers one last time, searching for any sign from the other male. He waits for the sadness to break on his expression — a flicker of misery in his dark orbs or the small twitch of his fingers to display any sort of emotion that he's hiding.

But Renjun sees absolutely nothing.

So, he spins on his heel, swallowing his disappointment as his fingers circle around the silver handle. He twists it, pushing the door open before he steps right out into the empty hallway.

As the door slowly falls shut with a click in the air, he fails to see the way Jeno hangs his head low with tears clinging to his lashes once more.

-

_2:21_ _A.M_ _._

Renjun has been home since ten in the evening but hours later, the apartment is still silent. It bothers him — the way the quietude echoes beneath his skin and slips through his veins, rendering him speechless as the universe steals the words from his lips. He wonders how he lived like this for so long, ever since Jeno and him started to fall right apart months ago.

He quietly sinks right into the couch, fingers gripping the edges of his book. He lowers his head, eyes flickering from word to word but he can't find it in himself to let them sink in his mind. He can no longer feel the weight of every letter, every syllable in the words written out and he feels the ache residing in his chest once again.

The resonating sound of the door unlocking catches Renjun's attention in a second. He gently puts down his book on his lap, the anxiety curling in his stomach as his fingers drum against the hardened cover. He gazes at the younger boy with a watchful stare, eyeing him as he steps inside with disheveled hair and exhausted eyes. Jeno rakes his fingers through the messy brown strands, smoothening them down before he finally lifts his gaze from the floor. With one, swift movement, he finds himself staring back at Renjun with an incredibly sorrowful expression.

The silence is thick with tension as they lock gazes; neither of them would move or say anything at all. It's crushing Renjun — this terrible stretch of quietude — but he can't find his voice. He can't find the words that are dying to fall from his lips as he gets rendered speechless all over again. He can't remember the last time Jeno appeared so... _crestfallen_ like this.

He has always thought that Jeno has only become void of emotions, clearing away every thought and every feeling that night etch itself on his expression. He keeps a passive look on his features, almost appearing incredibly bored that Renjun is constantly on edge, wondering what Jeno is thinking about. Jeno used to be an open book — he wasn't afraid to let his emotions stream through his veins. A simple curve of his lips is enough to show either his delight or displeasure at a certain circumstance.

Renjun can't remember the last time he saw Jeno with tears brimming at the corners of his eyes and his fingers twitching at his sides. He looks almost the same he did years ago — a lost, uncertain boy who needed someone to hold on to. Renjun has always accepted that to be his fate; he doesn't mind holding Jeno in his arms for hours, listening to every word that falls from his lips. He yearns to listen to his voice like a lullaby all over again.

"Jeno?" Renjun quietly says, his voice echoing in the still apartment. Jeno drops his suitcase by his feet as he takes tentative steps towards Renjun, head lowering to hide the tears are already on their way to cascading down his cheeks.

"Jeno?" He repeats his name, a whisper of the syllables stretching past his lips. Jeno's shoulders stiffen before they shake uncontrollably as a sob rips itself out of his throat, his hands cupping his face. He looks beyond broken and Renjun can't help but feel a tender ache in his chest — he remembers himself appearing like this, so upset and disheartened. This time, he doesn't understand why Jeno would cry like this, as if something is being crushed deep within himself.

"Hey," Renjun speaks as softly as he could, crossing the distance between them. "What happened?"

He loops his arms right around his body as he can feel Jeno pressing himself as close as he could the moment he realizes that he can feel Renjun's warm embrace. His arms weakly wrap themselves around the older boy's waist, his face hiding right at the crook of his neck as the tears clinging to his lashes gently hit Renjun's skin. Renjun couldn't find it in himself to care — he wants to know why Jeno is beyond hopeless and wretched apart like this.

"I—" Jeno catches his breath as he holds Renjun closer, whimpering. "I—I'm so sorry, fuck. I'm sorry, Injun."

He continues speaking, words drawing themselves past his lips all too fast,"I don't deserve you. All I do is hurt you and I keep making you— so sad. Why do you still love me? I—"

He wants to push through, say everything that's swirling in his mind but he simply shakes his head. He looks defeated, knocked down and Renjun can feel his heart yearning to hold him closer. He knows that Jeno needs him now more than ever and he doesn't have the urge to turn him away.

Renjun stays silent and still, listening to the heart-wrecking sobs falling from Jeno's lips before he tightens his hold around Jeno. His hand sifts through his strands, letting them tangle around his lithe fingers as he hums softly. Jeno buries his face further against the crook of his neck, fingers grasping Renjun's loose shirt. The warmth radiating off from their bodies feel so familiar, so comfortable that Renjun wants to cry too — why does everything feel like it's only falling into place just when Jeno is hurting like this in his arms?

"Don't cry." Renjun whispers, voice wavering. He pulls away just enough to tenderly cup Jeno's cheeks in his palms. The curves of his cheeks are wet with tears and very gently, Renjun allows the pads of his thumbs to caress them to wipe away the tears.

"Don't cry, please." Renjun's voice slips into a tone resembling to sadness and hopelessness, his own eyes brimming with tears. "I don't want to see you cry. It hurts so much." He rests his forehead against Jeno's, a shaky sigh falling from his mouth and Jeno holds him flushed against his body. The silence blankets over them and for the first time in a long while, Jeno has so many emotions flashing through his dark orbs — too fast that Renjun couldn't decipher any of them.

Jeno is reluctant, eyes flickering from his expression before they eventually flutter shut. He tugs Renjun close enough for the smaller male to rest his head on his shoulder whilst he hugs his waist in a breathtaking grip. Renjun doesn't mind at all; he misses Jeno's touch after all.

"Don't cry." Renjun repeats his words like a broken record, voice soft as a whisper. "Please."

Jeno takes a deep breath before he lets his lips brush right on top of his head, voice drawing out in a tone resembling sincerity. Renjun willingly takes the words to his heart.

"I won't."

-

2:53 A.M.

The moonlight floods the room for a moment before Jeno ends up leaning over to flick on the lamp resting by the other end of the couch. The living room is lit up in a dreamy kind of glow, almost tricking Renjun into thinking that this is all simply a dream that's bound to end.

But the feeling of Jeno's fingers slipping through the empty spaces of his hand, giving it such a subtle squeeze that Renjun almost misses it, feels real. Everything feels all too real right now.

He breathes in, eyes briefly flicking over to Jeno over his head falls right on the taller male's shoulder. His body curls up against Jeno's side and the other boy willingly welcomes him with a light tug right on his shirt. Neither of them want to speak — the silence might be a melody that's familiar to them for the past months but it's only now that it became comfortable once again. As if all those past months never happened at all.

"What happens now?" Jeno murmurs, breaking away the remnants of the silence laying over them. Renjun raises his head, his gaze settling on the other's side profile and admiring the slope of Jeno's nose, the way his eyes seem to slowly light up like the stars dotting the night sky. He misses him like this — god, he misses him so much.

"What do you mean?" Jeno hesitates visibly, teeth catching onto his bottom lip before he emits a sigh. He allows himself to lock gazes with Renjun and the older boy can feel his breath getting stolen away when Jeno's expression entirely softens for him.

"What happens to," Jeno pauses and Renjun can hear the rest of the question without a second thought.

_What happens to us?_

"Do you want to stay, Jeno?" Renjun asks instead, glancing down to let his thumb brush against his knuckles. It feels awfully soothing to be like this with him again.

Jeno only stares at him, his expression cleared away to display a blank look. After a stretched heartbeat, he slowly nods his head with a flicker of adoration in his eyes. "Yes."

Renjun grips his hand tightly and he breathes out his words shakily, "Are you willing to choose me everyday, no matter what?"

Jeno tilts his head, a brow arching just the slightest. Renjun pursues his lips into a thin line and he's so sure that his heart stirred right out of control when Jeno spoke again, this time, with an incredible amount of firmness and no signs of wavering at all.

As if he's certain of their relationship. As if he's certain of _them_.

"Yes."

Jeno halts for a quick heartbeat before he quietly dips his voice into a whisper, sounding worried. "What about you?" Renjun only curves his lips into a sweet, genuine smile as he reaches out with his free hand, cupping the other's cheek. He leans in close to press a fleeting kiss right on his lips and his chest bursts due to the amount of emotions that exploded deep within his body.

When he pulls away, Jeno's starry eyes are awfully bright and Renjun falls for him all over again.

"I'll choose you. Always."

-

Renjun heaves an exaggerated sigh as he slips into his long coat, making sure to tighten it around his figure. He snatches up his bag from the couch, letting the strap hang over his shoulder as he checks through the folders nestled in his arms.

"Good morning," Renjun is caught off guard when he feels a kiss gets dropped right on his cheek before Jeno comes into view with a cheeky grin. "Long day at work today?"

"Yeah, it's so annoying. I have to do so many tasks today, it's tiring." Jeno coos softly before wrapping his arms around Renjun's frame from behind, stealing a kiss from his lips. He rests his head briefly on Renjun's shoulder, snuggling close to him from behind and Renjun can feel his heart fluttering wildly beneath his rib cage.

He can't stop the way the corners of his lips curve into a familiar smile that he loves to wear nowadays — he simply can't help but feel overwhelmed at the amount of happiness constantly traveling through his veins every time he sees Jeno. It's as if a smile from him is enough to relieve him from the day's burden lying on his shoulders.

"You can do it, baby. I'm sure." Jeno sounds firm and encouraging, starry eyes bright as always as he turns Renjun around to make the smaller boy face him. The gasp that falls from Renjun's mouth gets cut off when Jeno captures his lips in a dizzyingly sweet kiss. The corners of his pair stretch into a wide grin as Jeno pulls away with his eyes crinkling in happiness.

"Can we have dinner together later?"

"Why is that a question?" Jeno laughs as Renjun reaches over to wrap a scarf around his neck gently, securing it. "Of course, it's a yes."

"Good, it's my turn to pick out where we'll eat for this week." Renjun turns his voice into a singsong tone, tugging lightly on Jeno's scarf before he steals a kiss from his lips. He practically brightens up when he sees the delight shining in Jeno's dark eyes as their cheeks color themselves in deep red.

"I'll see you later?"

"Mm, yes." Renjun wraps his arms around his neck, pulling him close to press soft pecks right on his lips. Jeno holds him by the waist, emitting a fit of chuckles as he cups his cheeks to leave a fleeting kiss on his forehead. They break away and Jeno checks the time written on the wall clock and his eyes widen in surprise before he backs away to snatch up his briefcase.

"Shit, I'll be late if I don't catch the bus on time." He lays another peck on Renjun's cheek, flashing a bright smile right at his direction. As he steps away, the words flow past Renjun's lips without a second thought.

"I love you, Jeno."

Jeno stills at that, his expression freezing up. After a stretched moment of a heartbeat, his features slowly soften up as he allows a smile to curve on his pair. He leans in once more to press a kiss right on Renjun's lips, pulling away with the sweetest smile that he could muster.

He looks incredibly happy and Renjun doesn't doubt his words even for a little bit.

"I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! talk to me in [twitter.](http://twitter.com/jenosaints)


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